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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
   
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | OK, I know this topic has been discussed several times but I definitely need some advice on how to handle a situation. 
I have a male student that has been taking my classes for over a year. He is in his mid 40's, very intelligent, some would consider a little zany. I am very friendly with many of my students. they have access to my personal home phone and email. I correspond with this student through email His mother was going through some serious health problems and he was writing me to let me know he might or might not make my class.
I wrote him to see how his mother was doing and to send holiday wishes. He wrote me back with some very sad news about his mother and this was one of the paragraghs.
So, permit me to be Peter Pan for a moment, but can I just sort of like kidnap you for a week of windsurfing, yoga and meditation? If that will not work for you, I’ll settle for a drink some time J Name your poison! In any case, it would be great to hang out. I also have your small Christmas present for you and the hubby. Where do I send it?
My husband read this email and was upset. I understand his concern but my intentions as a teacher are just that.
At the last class he asked me for my address so he could send me and my hub a gift. I told my husband when I returned home about this and with his background in law enforcement, he is very concerned as to this man's intent. He (my husband) planted the seed that this man wants to know where I live, he may want to stalk me. I would say not but the reality is.....you never know.
How do I handle this???? This man is very nice. I enjoy his conversations and I want him to benefit from the practice (this practice has helped him compete with his windsurfing).
What to do????? Fellow Yogins & yoginis.....please give me your advice...  
Mishy |
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| I'd listen to your husband Mish--thank the student for his thoughtfulness concerning the gift (why couldn't he have just handed you the gift?) and the invitation but you don't have the luxery to be Wendy to his Perter Pan. Sign off with see you in class when you can make it. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
 
| I agree with Bruce except that, with your phone number, he can find out your address pretty easily if he really wants to. I think I would still suggest he send it to the studio, though. As far as the invitation, what the heck? That's the part that sounds a little odd to me, especially since he knows you are maried. You could go with the "sorry, I don't socialize privately with students" line or include the idea that DH is a cop "sorry, but my husband is a cop and between his crazy schedule and mine, I just don't get much time to see him, let alone go out without him" or go with the married thing and just say "we married ladies don't usually go out with other men, but thanks anyway."
Our students seem to keep the professional distance very well. When anyone has wanted to email or discuss something they go through the registrar and she forwards to me. I don't worry particularly about them calling or whatever - this is a small community and lots of my students know me from work or through our kids - but they seem to enjoy getting together in a yoga social setting and not push to do so other times. |
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| I agree with Bruce.
If this man's intentions are honorable, and they easily could be, then allowing him to give you the gift in class should be fine. You should also send a firm but cordial indication that you're not available, and not interested in pursueing other men, as you're already married. Bruce's suggestion of joking back with him in the same manner is perfect. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 2479
Location: A Blue State |
Hmm, maybe the guy was drunk when he wrote that and either doesn't
remember or is totally kicking himself? Anyway, don't give him your
address, and don't get into the rest of it. You can decide whether the guy
is nuts, or a careless emailer, or actually looking to be your backdoor man... but
basically he sounds like an eaasy case to dismiss: Just don't answer the
message about the gift, and don't get into conversation about his Peter Pan
issues. Jokes are fine, if that's an approach you know how to use. |
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| Wow. Sorry to hear that you are having problems with this student. Sounds strange to me. I would not be so personal with him anymore. Getting gifts is kind of common as a yoga teacher, but his offer of a get a way weekend is indecent. Your student has clearly stepped over a boundry.
More then likey, this guy will back off once you put up a real big "STOP NOW AND DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE" sign. I would expect that he will not come back to your class after his advances are turned down. Don't sweat it.
But to be cautious, I would get yourself a cheap cell phone for your business calls and stop giving out your personal information.
You NEVER know what kind of sickos are out there. I hate to say but when you teach yoga, you can get alot of weirdos from time to time.
Good luck! |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Why not invite the man to have a drink or coffee/chai at Starbucks with you and your husband in a public place and set the record straight. IF, you don't want to loose him as a student and you are comfortable on that level, include your husband on the invite so that this student will see your personal life on some kind of level - but, not close to home. I'm sure if you say to him, "sure me and my husband would be glad to meet you at such and such a place"...either the guy will be sincere and respectful or he will simply refuse your offer. If he refuses, then you know for sure he was looking for a relationship of some sort and barking up the wrong tree. You should talk to your husband and explain what your plan is and also make sure he will be there..right by your side..afterall, isn't that what a husband is for?? Mine would not mind at all..in fact, he would respect me more for doing this this way..that way everything is out in the open, for everyone and your chances of being stalked will be very slim, because you were being honest and true to yourself and to your husband. |
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| I think inviting him to a public place with your husband is a little over the top. If he persists after you speak with him politely and firmly, it's an excellent suggestion, but not at this time. OTOH, if your husband picks you up after class, or is there for another reason, then it's not to bad. Otherwise it's a bit too confrontational. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 2479
Location: A Blue State |
If your hubby is like me as hubby, the guy might leave that coffee with an injury.
Not a good idea.
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | I have to speak with him.
I have to look inside myself to see what I have contributed to this situation. This is the second time this has happened in the past three months. My husband says I am flirty, which I can be but when it comes to Yoga I am all yoga. I treat women the same as men. Yoga is my passion.
I remember during my training this topic came up and lasted for a full 8 hr day. The conversation was interesting. Never thought I would have this problem, and here I am facing it.
I have to admit, it makes me very uncomfortable, especially because my classes end late in the evening. I have to make sure there are some women who can walk out to my car with me.
 Boy do I hate this. I just want to share my love of Yoga. Why does it have to be complicated???? 
Mishy
I appreciate all your comments. Thank you! You are all inspiring!!! |
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| Seriously Mish--attractive women have a cross to bear when dealing with men. We can have all the best intentions, as teachers or students, when it comes to a class environment; however, it's this environment of intimacy that fosters a myriad of feelings. Unfortunately, to be in that venue means we have to leverage all our social skills to deal with it. On a real simple basis, dealing with unrequited attentions can be handled as we did with the guy or gal in school we didn't want to date but rather be friends. I doubt you did anything other than be a caring, enjoyable teacher. And your husband is probably right in that he perceives you're flirty. That's no doubt a enjoyable part of what makes you YOU. So don't beat yourself up over that--everybody likes to be flirted with a bit. Hey, your situation is good training and helping everybody here should we encounter a similar situation--we're rooting for ya! |
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| You also have to realize that men in general have problems figuring out when a woman just wants to be friends. Often what woman see as being friendly, men see as being flirty. However, unless you're planning on living in an ivory tower you're going to need to deal with this from time to time.
Couple of things that do come to mind. First, wear your wedding ring. Second, when speaking with somebody new see if you can casually mention your husband, and how much you love him. That way you make it clear that you've taken. Anybody who comes on to you after that is the one at fault since they know they're coming after a happily married woman.
I'm sure you did nothing wrong. Stop beating yourself up about it. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Why not just be up front and honest with the guy and say "What the hell did you mean by your comments"? Let him respond. Then tell him your happily married and if he wants to practice yoga, you will be happy to teach him, otherwise, go seek another yoga studio. This is what I hate about giving advice on the net, you don't get all the details and its so one sided. If you as a teacher are sincere and like the student then you will find a way to be gentle with your student and harsh when necessary. If you don't feel comfortable at all with him, then tell him to go somewhere else. Looks like a great opportunity to learn the art of being *clear* about relationships and the art of dealing with single men and being a yoga teacher...I think its part of the terrain and if you're going to be in this kind of position, better learn how to deal with it...gracefully.
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| Yeah, what Cyndi said. |
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| Yeah I agree with cyndi. upfront and honest. |
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| Bay Guy - 2005-12-26 9:48 PM
If your hubby is like me as hubby, the guy might leave that coffee with an injury.
Not a good idea.
I love that!
There is no mystery. This guy is lonely and falling for you and talking to him about it will only fuel his fire. Men think differently from women. He's probably having a fantasy relationship with you in his mind. We can't fault a guy for that. Just don't give him so much attention. Have your husband take your class every once in w while.
It's just one of those things. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | Cyndi, you are so correct!!! Unfortunately this happened with another man (married) about two months ago. I just backed off because he was also one of my employers which made it sticky!!!!  Thank god he got the drift.
All know I'm very happily married, at least I thought I converyed that. Too bad my hubby doesn't enjoy yoga, otherwise I would have him take my class
You're all correct. This is definitely a learning experience. I've mostly taught in all female gyms for my entire fitness career.
I will be starting another class at a local Ballys this month. One of the first facilities that has a 50/50 ratio of men and women. This should be interesting as most of my classes are women, about 98% enrollment of women.
I'm looking forward to this ballys class because I know men have more upper body strength (one of my strengths) so I can challenge them with mucho Chaturangas 
Hey Fifi, my husband is like you!!! 
Mishy
Edited by mishoga 2005-12-28 12:18 PM
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| mishoga - 2005-12-28 12:16 PM
Unfortunately this happened with another man (married ) about two months ago. I just backed off because he was also one of my employers which made it sticky!!!! Thank god he got the drift.
Okay, that's pretty disgusting. He's a married man, and shouldn't be looking around, even if you were single. The fact that you're married just makes it worse. He was definitely in the wrong, I wouldn't worry about that one at all!
All know I'm very happily married, at least I thought I converyed that. Too bad my hubby doesn't enjoy yoga, otherwise I would have him take my class
Once you've done that, and a guy is hitting on you, he's in the wrong. How you chose to handle it is up to you, Cyndi's probably more correct about using a fairly strong approach once this happens.
I will be starting another class at a local Ballys this month. One of the first facilities that has a 50/50 ratio of men and women. This should be interesting as most of my classes are women, about 98% enrollment of women.
I'm looking forward to this ballys class because I know men have more upper body strength (one of my strengths ) so I can challenge them with mucho Chaturangas
Hopefully you'll also see that not all the men who take your classes are going to end-up chasing you around.  FWIW, I've never seen any of the local teacher have to deal with this sort of problem, and we've got a few other men in the studio besides myself.
I have hit on some of the ones I thought were single, but once I knew that had an SO I dropped it immediately. Same thing with the ones who weren't interested. Persistence is nice, but no means no, IMHO.
Something else that hasn't been mentioned is that deliberately putting people into uncomfortable situations is abusive. If anybody persists in hitting on you, and you don't like it, and make it plain, then at that point they're really engaged in a subtle form of bullying. They're essentially saying I can do something you don't like, what are you going to do about it. At that point you really need to stand up to them and put an end to it.
That having been said, it's much easier to say that to do. OTOH, at that point you have right on your side, which should make things easier.
Edited by GreenJello 2005-12-28 1:58 PM
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| Mish wrote about the guys: "...so I can challenge them with mucho Chaturangas" I PRAY for those--then my 100lb stick teacher throws in some made up asana where we're supposed to bind--THAT'S where the humbling comes--no binding outta me--I don't think it's humanly possible with my shoulders. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 2479
Location: A Blue State | Bruce - 2005-12-28 2:31 PM
--no binding outta me--I don't think it's humanly possible with my shoulders.
Brother Bruce, use a strap! You can bind anything with a strap attached or held in the
right place. And from there, you can explore.
... bg
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| Yeah--I use a towel--when there's one long enough for me--still humiliating. |
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| Seriously Mish--attractive women have a cross to bear when dealing with men. We can have all the best intentions, as teachers or students, when it comes to a class environment; however, it's this environment of intimacy that fosters a myriad of feelings. Unfortunately, to be in that venue means we have to leverage all our social skills to deal with it. On a real simple basis, dealing with unrequited attentions can be handled as we did with the guy or gal in school we didn't want to date but rather be friends. I doubt you did anything other than be a caring, enjoyable teacher. And your husband is probably right in that he perceives you're flirty. That's no doubt a enjoyable part of what makes you YOU. So don't beat yourself up over that--everybody likes to be flirted with a bit. Hey, your situation is good training and helping everybody here should we encounter a similar situation--we're rooting for ya!
thanks for this, bruce. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 1738
Location: right where I'm supposed to be | Well, I've not written this person back. I've done nothing. I'm so passive when it comes to dealing with certain situations.
The only time I am extremly aggresive is when my morals or integrity (or my husband's or children's) are under attack.
My next class with him is next Monday so I'll see how it goes. I will tell him that his comments upset my husband and. I will ask that he refrain from such in the future.
We'll see how it turns out.
And BTW, I know all men are not that way. I'm so excepting of others, amybe to a fault. I really do belive I have to look inside myself to see how I am contributing. I must be sending out some kind of vibes.
But thanks all for your kind words of wisdom.
happy New Year to all of you. Keep it safe!!!!
Peace out!!!
Mishy |
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| Maybe you're giving out, it's okay to mess with me vibes because I'll just blame myself. I've done that in the past, and some people have been quick to take advantage of it. It's very admirable to attempt to adjust yourself to the situation, and attempt to get along with everybody, but sometimes that means looking someone in the eye, and telling them to F*ck Off. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Let us know what happens. I have a fall back plan of saying "Well. THIS is certainly an awkward/embarrassing/uncomfortable situation!" when things get sticky. A little wry smile along with that goes a long way. And when all else fails a large, menacing husband is a great and wonderful thing  |
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Memoirs of a Yogini
