| I really have been through an awful time. I suspect that this may have been a ‘tunnel’ of sorts that others may have gone through. Now I am out of a depression I see things a little clearer. If I may I would like your advice with regards to how to re-immerse myself back into my Ashtanga Practice?
I was practicing happily – very happily in fact . I had given up smoking and avoided the whole ‘pub scene’ completely. I was eating healthily and lost nearly three stone in four months. I felt GREAT! Then, I suddenly developed an utterly unhealthy preoccupation with my health. Before this happened I looked upon myself as a man who had lived it up for most of my life but was now getting my act together. I didn’t even consider my past, didn’t seem relevant somehow because the ‘new me’ was so much more optimistic. Suddenly I couldn’t practice as I felt like I was kidding myself by believing that because I felt healthy this meant that I was. What about all the cigarettes, the junk food, late nights? How could I practice having been such a monster. I didn’t want to give in to what felt like a paranoia though. I was almost aware that I was being unreasonable and beating myself up. I was/am sure that there are thousands of people with a similar background who don’t feel a compulsion to have perfect health verified before continuing their practice. The strange thing is I am not a depressive, I am normally really laid back.
Anyway, unable to cope with what turned into a dreadful depression mixed with unnecessary compulsions I reverted to my old ways and sought solace in copious bottles of Budweiser and numerous packets of Marlborough. HOW MAD IS THAT!!!
The bottom line is that I REALLY want to get back into my practice without this demon rearing its head again. Not sure that just avoiding forward bends will do though.
Its taken ages for me to pluck up the courage to post this, but I do need some real advice.
Thanks! |
| Welcome back.
I think you need to forgive yourself and remind yourself that everything in life is a process. Ebb and Flow. I'm willing to bet that no one gave you the assignment to be perfect, did they? Don't we all try to be a better human being, which must come from within ourselves? The first step is to make better choices. Which you were and can again.
Self-doubt is deeply based upon fear. With the changes you were making, comes responsibility. Responsibility to continue. Sometimes that frightens our soul, because it's so much easier just to (please forgive the Biblical reference) immerse ourselves in slothful behavior. It demands nothing of us. It is easy. It is rejectable by others whose approval we might secretly, subconsciously want.
It's always harder to come back than it is to start.
It would be my suggestion that you adopt an Alcoholics Anonymous philosphy with this: One day, one prractice, one breath at a time, just as (if you want) you can give up the booze in excess and smoking one choice at a time.
This demon is yours to carry around. Others have similar ones, but yours is uniquely yours. It is up to you as to whether or not it controls your life and your yoga practice. Let it rear its ugly head. It's your choice to listen. My father taught me years ago that you cannot argue with someone who is agreeing with you. When those thoughts come up, simply say to them, "OK. So what?"
Feelings of worthlessness come when we begin to recognize that our old ways or even current choices weren't necessarily good ones. Think of this, then. The body renews itself every 7 years, just like a river refreshes itself ever 7 miles. Just because you crapped out your body in the past, doesn't mean you must continue. I just heard on the radio that when one stops smoking the difference in blood pressure is evident in 20 minutes. The body is a living thing, bent upon survival. It fights the self-destructive tendencies our minds indulge in with or without our help.
Have you been back to practice? Have you simply begun by sitting and Ujjiya breathing for a few minutes? Have you simply taken a deep breath and raised your hands to the sky in Urdhva Hastasana? That's all it takes to start again. Your practice will never be the same, but in the differences, you can find growth and pleasure in your choice to begin again. Do you recall how every practice is different, particularly as your body changed and your practice strengthened? Approach your practice as though it is new every single day. Keep it as living and changing as your body is.
Start small. Give yourself a break. Remember that everything is best in moderation. Practice, booze, sex (although my husband would argue that), food, the sun, all. Start with simply going to practice. You might feel amazingly strong. You might feel as though you've lost ground. It really doesn't matter; it's all irrelevent.
What matters is the practice and your intention in doing so. Do it because you love(d) it and it is valuable in your life. It is OK to feel good while doing something good for yourself. It's joyful work and that in itself can make one a better person. In time, all things will come. Right?
Welcome back.
Christine |
Back on the horse?
