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| In terms of relationships, do you think a respect of each others opinions is enough or do you feel (from belief or personal experience) that it is important to have more of an understanding.
For example with things such as Yoga, diet and spiritual beliefs etc
Up until now I always thought that respect of my values from my partner would be enough. However now I am beginning to think that I really do need someone who understands where I am coming from and has similar views as I do.
Would love to hear everybodies thoughts. |
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| My thoughts:
1. If the partner is NOT yet a spouse, then the discussions of one's strong ideas should precede prior to the relationship, and a decision should be made as to how the difference if any will be addressed with peace to all.
2. If the relationship is already formed and a different approach needs to be taken up which causes the difference in lifestyle, ideas, etc, then many a meetings in a peaceful environment should be held in a peaceful environment, and a decision similar to above should be reached.
3. If no decision can be reached, or no respect to other;s opinionn exists, or if complaning is existing due to the difference either in a direct or indirect way, the relationship WILL BE screwed up.
4. A screwed up relation is NOT a relationn at all.
5. The above applies from both ends, that means whose habits are better or correct is NOT important. The above steps are applicable to both parties.
Neel Kulkarni
www.authenticyoga.org |
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| Beloved Brother Neel makes good points and being a recently married (he married up), he has empirical evidence to back up his points. I on the other hand have no proof to offer only this since you asked: It's absolutely enough simply to respect--that's all that is owed. Understanding is not a given. If one can respect my point of view, I can deal with him/her. To force understanding results in a couple of pissed off folk. I like motorcycling, gun toting and yoga--my wife hates all three. That's fine. She like crafts and swimming--not me--been married 30 years. |
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| You love who you love. There's no accounting for that. However, if you're playing the odds, I think it's better to have more in common.
If you're a vegan/pacifist and he's a game hunter, then you might have problems. But people can overcome many crazy obstacles in the name of love so it's a matter of how strong the love is and what is really important to you.
Some people are quick to turn someone away for trifling matters and some will endure abuse and bad relationships. Neither is particularly healthy. There has to be a certain level of commonality to build upon, but at some point you each need your own interests. Where the line is drawn totally depends on the two people.
Love is more art than science.
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| For me it's more or less the same since I can only respect what I understand. No, wait, that's a bit too simple.
Example: My wife and me have quite different interests. She's into politics, history, literature and stuff while I prefer caveman activities. But I can understand her. She's bound to a wheelchair and has very limited arm movement too. So many physical activities are impossible for her. Of course she concentrates more on the intellectual stuff. I can understand AND respect that.
The same with her. She knows that my brain is even weaker than my body so she understands AND respects my urge to break free sometimes, go to yoga classes or disappear on the horizon with my bike, even if she'll never do stuff like that.
And let's not forget that thing called love. 
Edited by afroyogi 2005-03-07 7:43 PM
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| Interesting question! This is something I have been swirling around the bean on my head for a while. Of course, it would seem elementary that having them both would be the ideal situation. That's probably true. I agree with brother Neel though. As imperfect humans dreaming of greener pastures, it is easy to disgard a perfectly wonderful relationship when you add the 'shoulds' and 'should nots.' (and even this concept of respect/ understanding is an extention of the expectation imposed on relationships). There are so many complex forces pulling and pushing couples together and apart. I think it is important to focus on what is...
Complicating things further is the fact that everyone changes throughout life and understanding changes. Needs change, perspective changes, priorities change....we are all just bumping down the stream of life...steer for the sunny patches and keep good company.
My final thought about this is how easy it is for us to transpose the places in our emotions or spirit that are incomplete onto our partner and expect that our partner is 'supposed to' fill those needs. (And surely if they truly understood, they would fulfill that need...certainly!  )
Those are just some thoughts I've gathered on the subject after years of careful research into how to horribly screw up relationships (I am an A student I'll have you know). Having recently gotten married, I hope I can master a new side of this love stuff.
A co-worker (miserably and painfully lonely I might add  ) squeaked out his philosophy of a successful relationship. He said it is not about common interests or opposites attract. It is about balance. Each person has innate strengths and weaknesses (regardless of what we think they are) and an ideal partner fits those puzzle pieces together. I am seeing this in my own relationship and I am so humbled by it. It is amazing how many of the qualities that I will tell you are my strengths (and they are to me thankyouverymuch) are just that...strengths to me. They do not necessarily fit well in certain parts of daily life...enter husband. So on one hand I can (and have sometimes) pouted that I wanted a mate more like me...one that had that same 'strength' because I value it so. In reality, he loves my special quality and nutures it in me, so he takes care of the parts of life that might force me to compromise that strength or suffer because of it. And it is not that I cannot get through life just dandy on my own...or he on his own...we just do it better tegether...oh yeah and have more fun. Now the trick is for me not to expect it 
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 2479
  
Location: A Blue State |
Brother Neel put it well. If you are not yet married, then you should be particular
and look for the maximum compatibility you can find. If you can't get any farther
than mutual respect, why commit to spending your life with the other person? I enjoy
"mutual respect" with some of the people I work with, but let me assure you that I
would be sick if they were in my house every night!
You might aim for finding someone with whom you share mutual joy --- joy at one
another's presence, attitudes, ideas, goals, and jokes. It's not easy to get it all,
but try. If the final agenda is just making The Beast That Hath Two Backs...oh sigh...it will
get dull rather soon. Most of a marriage is not spent horizontally, and there's one
hell of a lot of negotiation that has to be done. It's easier to negotiate with someone
who shares your values and goals.
I doubt that anyone has ever married a person with whom they never disagreed. I think
that disagreements are more likely when large differences in age and interests are present.
One of the general goals of marriage is to spend time together...and if interests are far
apart, that time will be hard to enjoy.
My wife tells me my yoga is beautiful, although she does not practice, and she tolerates the
Bhajans I sing while doing the dishes. She runs and I no longer do, she wants a bigger
house and I don't really care to move, I like Ashrams and she doesn't, we both love the kids,
and we have fun together when our jobs aren't over consuming. We both get annoyed by
Voldemort (guess who we think of as Voldemort!), we both like healthy eating, and we both
want a world without hatred.
Bay Guy...approaching two decades of marriage....
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| twisti - 2005-03-08 8:07 AM
In terms of relationships, do you think a respect of each others opinions is enough or do you feel (from belief or personal experience) that it is important to have more of an understanding.
For example with things such as Yoga, diet and spiritual beliefs etc
Up until now I always thought that respect of my values from my partner would be enough. However now I am beginning to think that I really do need someone who understands where I am coming from and has similar views as I do.
Would love to hear everybodies thoughts.
great question twisti. i think that it depends a lot on the circumstances. and the people involved. to use my own relationship as an example, we are polar opposites!
he: loves ancient asian history, red meat, and playing video games
me: loves yoga, organic veg and reading books
we dont speak the same language, we dont have the same educational background and we come from very different family backgrounds.
BUT at the end of the day,
i follow him on road trips to look at the ruins of ancient castles , cook meat and query occasionally "are you winning?"  when he is glued to the tv, controller in hand.
he gives me space and complete silence when i am practicing, eats vegetables and will read japanese versions of english books just so we can talk about them together.
i make up silly lyrics to the tunes from his video games and he imitates me chanting. we laugh at eachother a lot!
he respects that i dont eat meat, and i respect that he isnt ready to evolve (just kidding) he understands why i want to feed him vegetables all the time and i understand why he doesnt like them.
we disagree on many things but we are both willing to look at issues with our eyes wide open and our hearts too.
if i had been the kind of person who puts limitations on what KIND of person i am willing to date/marry (VEGANS ONLY or something like that) - then i wouldnt be with my husband - and THAT would be a shame.
on the other hand, there are some people who definitely do better when they date people with whom they share a common bond - crackheads, religious fanatics, etc, etc....
btw, in this day and age when it seems so easy to throw in the towel, i think some congratulations are in order for the folks who have been married and kept it together all this time - i hope i can say the same some day!! way to go guys! |
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| It really depends on a lot of things. For example, there are vegetarian yogis out there who also happen to be jerks! Sharing certain common bonds is often not enough. If you don't have the same sense of humor, you may find yourself bored with a person no matter how good he looks on paper.
My husband and I have a lot of interests we don't share; sometimes we do those things together, and sometimes we just give each other space. I imagine being married to someone EXACTLY like me would get boring after a while, but there are core beliefs that I could never reconcile. I could be with a meat eater but not a hunter, a Christian but not a zealot, etc. You have to decide what you can and cannot abide. My best friend's husband carries on and on about how great George Bush is!! She just rolls her eyes, I think I'd have to move out.
Maybe I have you confused with someone else, but I could swear you were posting some concerns about this on another thread. It sounds like you're at a crossroads; maybe you're just not happy and don't know why, and this might be the excuse you're looking for to get out of this relationship. You're the only one who will ever know for sure! Some journaling exercises may help you to figure this out:
1) Write down your ideal day. If you could do anything on earth that you wanted to, what would it be? Don't pre-analyze whether you'd spend it with him or not. Just write it down, and eventually it will become clear whether that perfect day would be more fun with him or without him. Bonus points if you ever go and give yourself that ideal day! During this process, I wound up scheduling a trip to Key West to swim with dolphins! ALONE!
2) Write down the qualities that your ideal partner would have. At first, make it everything you can think of - maybe you want a vegan chef that runs an animal sanctuary and yoga studio, maybe he has to love how you look in purple and hate televised poker. The sky is the limit! Then examine your list, and begin narrowing it down to the core necessities. Take a few days, go for some walks, and really give it some thought! Then look at what you truly want from a partner, and whether you are going to be able to find it in this relationship or not.
I tried this while I was dating a real loser, and came to the conclusion that I didn't need his crap, in fact I was perfectly happy and complete without ANYBODY! Life was a fine adventure, and I'd only share it if someone met my "partner wish list" requirements. Little did I know, the perfect person was right under my nose all along, and I might never have considered dating him if I hadn't established my needs clearly in my own heart. To the naked eye, we were an utter mismatch! But deep down we were meant for each other.
You may find that your current partner already fulfills your wish list and you didn't really know it! Or you may find that he's really all wrong for you and it's time to move on. Either way it's an interesting process, and worth a look. The answers we seek are ALWAYS within us. Asking for advice is often an unconscious way of asking others to validate what we already know (even if we don't consciously know it yet). |
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| You have all made some very inspiring and thought provocking posts. Thank you to all who have shared their knowledge and experince so far (smart bunch of cookies on this board! )
I wish I could have more luck in my 'opposites' relationship that I have going right now but I think in the long term it will just not work. What happens when a workoholic Mexican/Canadian guy who strives for the big league in coporate America falls in love with a simple, health concious yogini from New Zealand who likes things small, simple and close to nature!?
I don't think we will be able to defy the odds in the end. |
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| Dear twisti:
Just for your information, I was in New Zealand for 6 years and my second daughter is born there.
Neel Kulkarni
www.authenticyoga.org |
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| Good points jean... I am not sure if we would travelling in the same forum circles other then this one
I guess its all a matter of figuring out what I TRULY want and having the faith that such a person is out there.
I guess the whole different countries thing puts a whole different spin on it cos you have to think alot serious alot sooner.
Either way I am loving all the thoughts people are sharing on this |
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| kulkarnn - 2005-03-08 10:05 AM
Dear twisti:
Just for your information, I was in New Zealand for 6 years and my second daughter is born there.
Neel Kulkarni
www.authenticyoga.org
Super cool |
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| I think you'll find a lot of people on these boards are married to someone from a different culture (more than you'd find in a random population sample). In every person you meet, there will be differences and samenesses - it's just a matter of which stands out more.
I read an interesting article a long time ago about "opposites attract" vs "birds of a feather flock together." It said, basically, that people who like themselves look for others that are the same. People who don't like themselves as much, seek the opposite qualities in a partner. It may also be an unconscious gravitation toward the lessons that you need to learn in this lifetime.
You know, you don't HAVE to have a reason if you don't want to be with this guy anymore. If it's not right, it's just not right - you know in your heart and that's the only reason you need. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision but just don't trust yourself. Remember that you're a complete person on your own - interesting, smart, beautiful, complicated, and fabulous! If you choose to share this world with someone whose company you enjoy, that can be fun. Plowing your own road with your bad self is pretty fun too! |
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| jeansyoga - 2005-03-08 11:16 AM
I think you'll find a lot of people on these boards are married to someone from a different culture (more than you'd find in a random population sample). In every person you meet, there will be differences and samenesses - it's just a matter of which stands out more.
I read an interesting article a long time ago about "opposites attract" vs "birds of a feather flock together." It said, basically, that people who like themselves look for others that are the same. People who don't like themselves as much, seek the opposite qualities in a partner. It may also be an unconscious gravitation toward the lessons that you need to learn in this lifetime.
You know, you don't HAVE to have a reason if you don't want to be with this guy anymore. If it's not right, it's just not right - you know in your heart and that's the only reason you need. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision but just don't trust yourself. Remember that you're a complete person on your own - interesting, smart, beautiful, complicated, and fabulous! If you choose to share this world with someone whose company you enjoy, that can be fun. Plowing your own road with your bad self is pretty fun too!
It is all true... thanks alot hun
P.S I love your yoga/jeans idea its great! |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
 
| Wow - a lot of great stuff here! I am in an opposites attract marriage, I think most people would say. 30 years and if the holiday on our anniversary was any indication (not to mention last night - and I wish the *blush* emoticon worked properly...) we are doing fine! There were things I respected but didn't understand at first. Now I understand more and I think he understands more about me, as well. There were things neither of us respected or understood back then that we have each dropped because the other indicated it was hurtful or unnecessary. I used to make quite pointed jokes about him to friends and I stopped that VERY early on. He has learned (ok, still learning) to remember to introduce me if I join him in a group of people I don't know. Stuff like that.
One thing we have done is learned to find common ground where none appeared to be there. We used to go away from a weekend once a year when our kids were small and the agreement was that neither of us had to be dragged along to the other's interest and we both had to be having fun. THAT was a difficult task we set ourselves! But guess what - he actually likes art galleries and we both like going to see musicals onstage and little by little we found those areas where we could both relax and have fun. That is a big key to our marriage, I think. And now we do ballroom dancing together which is wonderful except I have a tango injury - sore shoulder from all those fast turns! |
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| I've been thinking about this ever since you posted your question. It's a tough one to articulate. Respect, understanding, companionship, all the physical and emotional needs we have can be found here and there in the course of our lives. Family, friends, girl/boyfriends, even co-workers can, in their own fashion, provide these things. All these things are important no doubt but we don't really need a lifelong partner for them. So what is the seeming compulsion to find that perfect partner, someone to spend a lifetime with? I feel it's a fundamental need to have someone bear witness to our life. Someone that's there every day, through the good and the bad, that sees and hears and stands by to mark our passage through this life. Without that, what real evidence is there of our passage? Sure, friends and family are aware of our presence but they only really see us in passing. Our spouse is there for it all. "Opposites attract", "Birds of a Feather" or what have you are irrelevant. What you must have is a partner that's willing to bear witness to your life and you to his. If you have that commitment all the rest of it is sauce for the goose. But if either of you aren't willing to do that it's time to move on.
Kevin |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Hey Twisti,
I just wanted to add a thought to your thread...a good Chinese friend of mine told me a long time ago about opposites in marriage in the Chinese culture. It goes like this...in a successful Marriage you need to have One Right Foot and One Left Foot and you can't have 2 Right Foots and 2 Left Foots.
Just to add something else...the other night while doing pooja in the Shiva temple...I don't know why, it was so wierd and one of those things that happens...but Satyam and I got into a spat at the temple. I was so upset with him. I sat down and cried in front of the Shivalingam. The priest came over and felt so bad seeing me this way and Satyam didn't even notice that tears were streaming down my face - then he offered me a coconut and orange prasad and offered Satyam his too. It was happening during the wedding ceremony and I felt like I was going through a divorce:~) I'm sure it was because we were very hungry after not eating all day long.... But anyway, I was so worried and told Satyam, our blessings are going to be ruined and so on. It was so funny because Sam took it so lightly and laughed at me and said..."Didn't you know that Shiva and Parvati fought all the time"? Then he started calling me his Parvarti. Needless to say, I was relieved and happy to know that I was being normal. Take care,
Cyndi - aka now Parvati
Edited by Cyndi 2005-03-10 4:20 PM
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Kpopejoy - didn't happen to see the movie "Shall We Dance?" lately, did you? Sounds a lot like Susan Sarandon's character's little speech - which I LOVED, by the way   |
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| tourist - 2005-03-11 9:07 AM
Kpopejoy - didn't happen to see the movie "Shall We Dance?" lately, did you? Sounds a lot like Susan Sarandon's character's little speech - which I LOVED, by the way
they made a western version of shall we dance?? you are kidding me!! well, i will probably have to wait a couple years before it gets here!!
i LOVE the first one....i think it is one of the reasons i came to japan! oh i must see it!!!! |
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| tourist - 2005-03-10 6:07 PM
Kpopejoy - didn't happen to see the movie "Shall We Dance?" lately, did you? Sounds a lot like Susan Sarandon's character's little speech - which I LOVED, by the way
That's it, thanks. I couldn't remember where I got that bit from. Obviously it stuck with me. k |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Kira - Yes - it has Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon. Unfortunately they cast Jennifer Lopez in the role of the dance teacher. Nothing against JLo but she just doesn't have the same presence as the Japanese actress did plus not being a ballroom dancer the scenes didn't look as authentic. But the average viewer wouldn't notice some of the stuff we would because we do ballroom dance. They cheaped out on the Blackpool scenes and used a small room with hardly any dancers. But all those complaints aside, they did a much better job at westernizing the movie than I though possible, especially in giving Gere a reason to be dancing. The last 20 minutes of the movie have the scenes with Richard and Susan and I think they made their relationship and his inner conflict very real and touching. Plus there is RG in a tux - yumm! I still prefer the Japanese version though. |
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| tourist - 2005-03-12 11:55 PM
Kira - Yes - it has Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon. Unfortunately they cast Jennifer Lopez in the role of the dance teacher. Nothing against JLo but she just doesn't have the same presence as the Japanese actress did plus not being a ballroom dancer the scenes didn't look as authentic. But the average viewer wouldn't notice some of the stuff we would because we do ballroom dance. They cheaped out on the Blackpool scenes and used a small room with hardly any dancers. But all those complaints aside, they did a much better job at westernizing the movie than I though possible, especially in giving Gere a reason to be dancing. The last 20 minutes of the movie have the scenes with Richard and Susan and I think they made their relationship and his inner conflict very real and touching. Plus there is RG in a tux - yumm! I still prefer the Japanese version though.
i adore rg and ss and i loved the original - i will add it to the ever growing list of films i want to see! jlo huh? my mom always said if you cant say anything nice... |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
| Ya know, the thing about Jennifer Lopez is, every time I see her interviewed, I just go back to thinking what a nice girl she is or at least seems to be. In spite of all the tabloid crap, the movies I didn't particularly care for, etc. she just comes across as very sweet and a nice person. I wish her well |
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| tourist - 2005-03-13 12:00 AM
Ya know, the thing about Jennifer Lopez is, every time I see her interviewed, I just go back to thinking what a nice girl she is or at least seems to be. In spite of all the tabloid crap, the movies I didn't particularly care for, etc. she just comes across as very sweet and a nice person. I wish her well
i just saw the first trailer for the movie! it is coming to the theatres in the spring. that means i will see it on video sometime around christmas! (i am too cheap to pay the $25 to see it on the big screen!)
i dont have anything against jlo - i think my comment came after seeing her last week on tv saying that if she didnt sing and dance she would be another meryl streep...i love meryl streep! i will join you in wishing her well! |
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Respect or Understanding?
