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| Reading the 'hot' thread, 'Can christians practice yoga', I find I am really passionate about religion, and it looks like many others are too.
So, I am wondering, if everyone was willing, to post 'their story' about how they came to their beliefs or chosen religion (without calling others down)
I would like to post my story, but want time to do it, so I will later this week. I am also open to questions, or suggestions. Maybe others would like to say whether they are or not as well, so no one feels particularily attacked.
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 2479
  
Location: A Blue State |
I might be willing to write a bit more, although I've already posted pretty much everything
about my path in bits and pieces across these boards. One problem with writing this
stuff up is that exposition requires some organization and consistency, and I don't know
that my "beliefs" are up to that!
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| Well, I guess I will post now. This is the much condenced version of my story, as it is hard to sum up a life time. I will give a brief history. I grew up in a Catholic home, and went to a catholic school from k-gr12. I learned how to read the scriptures and sing the songs, pray before bed, and have a conversaion with God. Sometimes I felt peace, other times I would look around me and wish I could 'feel' the way other devote christians looked. They seemed so.... connected. Soon, life got busy and I developed a slight teen-sized ego, and stopped participating publicly in the faith. Sometimes I would feel idle moments of peace...or...I dont know a word for it. But usually this thing came when I was doing something. It started at first when I would surf, then other times when I was just sitting there somewhere, feeling the sun on my closed eyelids. Moments like this. But, it was nothing tangible, and always slipped away before I could savour it.
I met my husband a few years later, we dated for a couple years. and then , within one year, moved out, graduated from Child and Youth Councilling, got married, got pregnant and had a baby. About 3 months after my daughter, Mika, was born I crumbled. I had no energy, I felt... so ungrounded. I didnt know who I was, and thought, I never have known who I am. I started to try and keep things perfect, and started to double check things. After about 3 weeks, having taken what I did in councilling, I knew (so I thought) what this was leading to. My doctor confermed I had traits of Obssesive compulsive disorder. I thought it would be PPD, but I didnt pick up in myself what was going on. From going my whole life being fine, to this, I wanted to know where it was coming from. And, it was a loss of control. Since nothing was the same, I felt so upheaved and different. I'd look in the mirror and LITERALLY didnt recognize myself. I couldnt remember those lines in my face, or that expression. It wasn't me. This was scary.
The doctors suggested a few pills at my appointments, and I went home with them in my bag. I took them out and set them on a table. I stared at them. This was their answer? This would fix all my feelings? I had a hard time believing that. They were so small. Having taken courses on drugs and knowing how I would feel after (from what I studied) I knew I would feel..... passive. Like, my happy thoughts were as mellow as my sad ones. Even feelings. Personally, I didnt think this was a good thing. I would rather feel dark and deep then nothing at all. So, my next appointment, I lied to them that I was feeling much better and didnt need them. They told me that my 'file' would be closed.
I went home and thought...what can I do to help myself. I decided, since everything has changed, something that can stay the same is the stuff I used to do. Painting, jogging, etc. I started to paint a bit, but didnt feel in the mood. I joined the local gym here to go twice a week. The first time was to aroebics. I felt pretty good after, but yucky the next day. Then, later that week, I went to a Hatha Yoga class. After this class, I cried. This is what my body and spirit felt like: Imagine a glass with water in it, and on the bottom all settled was sand. Yoga took this glass and shook it, and the sand all stirred and glittered in the sun. Suddenly, I was awake and feeling. That night after I put my daughter to bed, I went on the internet and looked up so many things. This is where the religion bit comes in. Through all my researching of varried (very varried) topics, I was trying to figure out where I wanted my faith to lay, because my spirit felt idle, almost dead. I needed to connect. After much discovering (and still I am discovering today) I found that I am becoming more and more intune to the buddhist ways. For me, it makes complete sense. It has helped me in my daily living. SO MUCH. My fears and anxieties, my view on our lifestyle and means, my view on the world. I can think but at the same time, my mind is quite. And, in utter respect as I am NOT calling down christianity, this is just my view point, I feel I dont live in fear like I used to. Im not scared of going to hell or that when my parents die Ill never meet them again. I feel....free.
For now, I am trying to find out more about Buddhism. I have just grasped the concept, and have no clue about different denomenations (ie zen, etc) or how to go about doing this. So, I have a lot further to go. Also, I am scared how others in my family will react ( I have an inlaw that once put down Catholics in front of me when he knows my family is Catholic and he has strong opinions about other christian denominations then his own, I wonder what he would do if he found out the path I am taking. He'd fear for my soul. I feel bad and sad for this ) I dont know if I should just go about Buddhism and not say anything unless it slips up, or announce it. Im struggling with the best approach. Either way, it is going to be hard and not welcomed. Also, I fear that my marriage wont be able to handle this. My husband is a strong Christian. He knows thus far what I have been doing, but I dont know what would happen if (or when) I hand myself over to Buddha's guidence what would happen. For me, our interfaith marriage would work, but from a Christians POV it would be harder to accept. I just know if I remained a Christian and ignored my feelings, I would wither. Ive already tried that for a month, and could not handle it, I was so sad and felt trapped.
Anyways, this is all in a nut shell, but it is where I stand. I have a lot of spiritual work ahead of me, and it is far from perfect. But, I feel so much better. Better than Ive felt in years.
I thought Yoga would be a physical help, and a relaxation. But, for me, it is so much more. It is truly a path way.
Thankyou for reading my story. Any comments/questions/suggestions are welcomed and helpful.
Seeing as I am the first to post a story, hopefully others can take off from here. If not, then I am just glad to get this out of me and into the open somewhere. I felt I needed to share. It has already been helpful, I have never shared my story like this before. So again, Thankyou.
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
 
| Well that is quite a story. It seems that although you have decided to look into Buddhism, you have barely touched the surface of it so there is no need to start telling family and making choices yet. I don't know much about Buddhism but I do know you won't be "handing yourself over to Buddha's guidance." Buddha is not like Jesus in that way. Like yoga, the Buddhist path is one that you make yourself, from the ground up. It is not an easy path, no matter which branch you take. There are probably lots of people here who can advise you on this better than I can, but if you are wondering how tomake a start, I would try the Dalai Lama's books. Some of them are very easy to read, some are challenging, but most bookstores have lots of little books of his sayings and inspirational quotes, and that would be somewhere to begin.
Take care, give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. |
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| Hi Jane, Your story is very interesting! Sounds like you had a bit of post-partum depression - I'm so glad you were able not only to get past that but to reach into yourself & seek a spiritual path as well. Before I tell my story, I'd just like to mention that - in case you aren't aware of it through your own research - there was a trappist monk named Thomas Merton, who wrote many books about Catholicism and Buddhism, and how they interrelate. How the study of Buddhism can enhance your Catholic (or Christian) experience. I haven't read his works yet, but but I'm headed that way. There are many available on www.amazon.com I was born to a Lutheran mother and a Catholic father. Though I was baptised & confirmed in the Lutheran church, as children we went to the Catholic church with Dad on Saturdays, and the Lutheran church with Mom on Sundays. As adults, my brother, sister & I have been "allowed" to choose. My sister is Catholic, my brother is technically Lutheran (though more accurately agnostic) and though I am still officially Lutheran (ie, I haven't yet completed RCIA and been confirmed in the Catholic church) I consider myself Catholic, have attended the Catholic church for years, and hope to make it official this year. (I have agoraphobia, so that has significantly delayed my official conversion.) But I've also studied other religions (in college I was an anthropology major, religion minor) and am immensely interested in Buddhism as well. I don't expect I will abandon Catholicism (on the contrary, I feel with absolute certainty that it is where I belong), but like Thomas Merton, I feel the study of Buddhism (and other religions as well) can enhance my experiences as a Catholic. One more thing - for books on Buddhism, there are many by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen teacher, that you might want to look into. God Bless, Echo  |
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| tourist - 2005-04-05 10:49 PM
It seems that although you have decided to look into Buddhism, you have barely touched the surface of it so there is no need to start telling family and making choices yet. I don't know much about Buddhism but I do know you won't be "handing yourself over to Buddha's guidance." Buddha is not like Jesus in that way. Like yoga, the Buddhist path is one that you make yourself, from the ground up.
Thankyou, maybe you are right. I wasn't planning to tell them this weekend (lol) but I just mean that it is something I think about. Also, I may have mis-inturrpeted what I mean. I didn't mean asking Buddha in an external way like Jesus. I meant just for guidence and protection to Buddha within. You are right, I do have a far way to go and have only tapped the surface.
Thanks Tourist and Emperess Echo for your replys  |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | Actually there is another similar writer whose name is Thomas Moore. He is also an ex-ordained Catholic Priest and is also a Phsychiatrist/Phsychotherapist. He wrote one of the most profound books. I highly recommend it. It is called "Care of the Soul, A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life". This book is for anyone who is either struggling on their path, switching path's or basically has any confusion about their current life's situation. From this book, if you can grasp it (which is very easy to do), it can lead you into a much broader understanding about Buddhism, Christianity, even Hinduism - basically how we function as human beings. This is a great book for Westerner's because it deals directly with the problems associated with the Western mind in development of the soul and its purpose. It also deals with the modern confusion as Westerner's continue to struggle with their religions and faith - based on upbringing and lack of knowledge of our true purpose here on this planet..not just on a individual level, but as a community on a global level as well.
Then, when your done with that book, read "Universal Responsibility and The Good Heart", by Tenzin Gyatso, The Fourteenth Dalai Lama. This book is published in Daramsala, India by the Library of Tibetan Works & Archives - Published in 1977, ISBN: 81-85102-45-7 |
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