| Hey
Its been quite a year. bare with me, a long post, but i am someone who is ver yin terested in what you have to say
I am a student and I studied abroad in Thailand, knowing little of meditation or yoga. i took to yoga immediately, attending class about five times a week. i also started attending a meditaiton class. the first time i meditatied, i was in awe. a feeling hit me where i felt, at the time, that some part of me had left my physical body. i was in a state of calm and peace that lasted for weeks, and no teacher gave me a clear explanation of what happened. by the end of the semester, people couildnt believe the change in me. i could sit for hours and do really nothing, in yoga or meditaiotn.
i continued meditating, and sometimes, only somtimes, that feeling of extreme pressure was in my head, so intense and blissful that i was free of any other thoughts or worries.
then i went to a meditation retreat, and the feeling that once took 1/2 of focus to achieve started hitting me more often. i felt out of control, extreme happiness sometimes, extreme sadness and anxiet other times., i was getting up to 3 or 4 times a dya more often when i didnt even want to get it due to fear. i became very introspective, and sometimes find myself still in that state of internal contemplation/confusion/fear. it was the first time i felt my mind starting going against me, and since it was a silent retreat, i couldnt talk to anyone except the monks. they explined this feeling, as piti, and were surprised that i could so easily obtain it, telling me i had a special jhakra, or gift, which made the anxiety even worse, why me? i had my phase where i thought i was schizophrenice, thikning i had soemthing special, realixing it was only me freaking out again.
so the last year has been hard, coming home, leaving meditation all together for awhile, confused sometimes as to the point of medtiation since it provoked such fear in me (i know, there is not supposed to be a point). i just wanted to bbe comfortable again.
the feeling hits me now at random times; my mind, where it once was calm, was scatterd and confused, i had no idea what my body was doing. the feeling of extreme pressure in my head hits at randome times (also makes me not want to medtiatie) it happens after i drink alcohol, at night many times, especially when my mind is racing, and sometimes when i am pressing hard (not to be too specific, but taking a ****). i dont really meditate too much, fearing spiritutality.
i am slowly coming to terms with all oft htis, many times, attributing it to anxiety, thinking i have anxiety disorder/ depression , the continuum, but after reading some of the kundalini expreiences,i think maybe its something else. however, when i am really happy, the worries go away more, and creep back more often whern i am alone.
any ways, any thoughts on my experiences, since no one i know relates to this. and how to work with this energy/
i disagree or rather dislike how people talk causially about going crazy without a teacher. for one they are hard to find, and a perosn in the situation does not need to have more anxiety by reading peoples casually written comments about uncharted kundalini making someone lose their mind. i dont know, its so eay to throw around when one never had such a terrifyinge xperience, and i think people should be more cautious of how they apply the word crazy.
thanks for reading all of this.
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| Hi Kelly, welcome~
I don't know everything about meditation, and I don't know the terms the monks used, but I know from my own experience what you are going through.
When I started becoming aware, a few things started happening.
First, I became conscious of all the craziness that was going on inside me that I never noticed before. (Feeling very high, or low, or a massive amount of internal dialogue, like you mention) This caused me to feel even more nuts. Like, maybe I should be committed, nuts.
But that is in all of us, to one degree or another  It's not as personal as it seems. And it's not who you really are. You know who that is, because you felt it. Calm and Peace.
Then my unconscious self (or ego- i think there are many other terms that I can't think of, but the part of us that is keeping us from enlightenment) started working overtime, creating delusions, insanity, because it was being threatened with my expanding awareness, with the 'idea' of not being needed anymore.
The key for me has been to recognize the fear, negativity, mood swings from feeling 'special' to freaking out, as just distractions. Just the mind trying to gain control again. That's all. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but with practice, you learn be effected less and less. And without feeding energy to the emotions/thoughts, they loose power, and start to fade.
When your mind is scattered and confused, just accept, and breathe. Watch the feeling. Hear the pointless chatter. None of it means anything. It will soon pass as the illusion that it is. Everything is okay.
I wish you peace,
Bella |
confused kundalini/meditation
