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| I appreciate the tactful approaches many of you have to sticky issues, so I'm hoping someone can advise me on this. I had a couple attending my classes fairly regularly for awhile. They were very enthusiastic about yoga and the last time I saw them, they prepaid ten classes. Then, they disappeared; it's been at least two months... maybe more.
I'd really like to contact these people but I'm not sure how to ask them about this without seeming pushy or putting them on the spot to give me explanations or feedback on the class. However, I find it odd they would prepay classes and then stop coming -- I wonder if something happened, and having gotten to know them a little bit, I'd like to know if they're OK. By the same token, if something about the class or me caused them to abruptly stop coming, I'd like to know that, too.
There is one other thing that gave me pause. The husband communicated with me periodically over e-mail and while I didn't think he was ever inappropriate, he was conversational. I began to wonder whether his wife knew about it, and it also just seemed a bit too familiar for a fairly new teacher-student relationship. He then he asked me over e-mail what my goals were for yoga and teaching -- physically, spiritually, etc. I had some reservations about responding, and I asked my teacher. My teacher agreed that it was a potentially touchy situation and that I should pay attention to my gut and answer very cautiously. I did answer the question over e-mail. I was as honest as possible without getting into any sticky religious issues. However, I've also wondered whether something I said really put them/him off, as I only saw them once more after that.
I've been thinking about them for weeks. Time to stop thinking about it. I know students come and go, but I especially liked these students I miss them and their enthusiasm. I'd like to follow up in some way.
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| I see nothing wrong with contacting them to check on, as you wrote, their well being as well as to ascertain why they paid and quit coming. It's the proper thing to do from one human to another as well as from a provider to a customer. |
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| i would definitely focus on the well being angle. i have a number of students whom i contact if i don't see them in that class, that day. not that i hound them, but it is unusual for them to not come.
for example, on friday one of my newer students didn't come to class. i was surprised! so, i called her to check on her, to make sure she's ok and ask if she needed anything.
she responded that she was out of town on business and got back late. I told her that i was glad that she was safe and well, and that i look forward to seeing her soon. She was thankful for my concern.
while your situation is different, in that there are some strange/cloudy issues/questions, i think it's fair to say that you wanted to check in on them, make sure everything is ok, and go from there. whatever they respond is up to them. |
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| Why not send him an email and ask whazz up? Where you been?
Eric
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| I think it's likely their absence has nothing to do with you. Perhaps they sought out yoga together as a way to heal whatever was going on in their relationship, and in doing so, discovered deeper problems. A woman's intuition--especially a yoga teacher, who has presumably gone through coursework on teaching ethics--is almost always correct in this case: if you got even the slightest inkling that this husband's approach was inappropriate, it probably was. Had you been more susceptible or naive, it's very possible the situation could have gotten out of hand. Maybe the wife picked up on this, or maybe the husband realized the potential for damage and cut his losses.
Your heart is in the right place. As a former yoga teacher, I completely identify with wanting to know about the well-being of your students and/or if something about your class caused them to leave. But ultimately, it's not your responsibility, and you might even do more harm than good by pursuing this. Is it an option for you to have your studio send them a short email, a "we haven't seen you in awhile...here's a reminder that you still have six classes left, and we hope to see you soon?" That way, the inquiry isn't coming directly from you, but you're still leaving the door open if they should want to provide feedback about your class. |
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| Dear JFF:
1. You should first detach yourself from their coming and not coming. That means, you are interested in their coming, but whether they come or not does not make any difference to you.
2. After 1 is internalized, you ask them why on hxxxx (or why the hxxx) they stopped coming.
3. Whatever is their reply or NO-reply should not bother you due to 1.
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| From a marketing standpoint, a good way to stay in touch with students is to send out a monthly or quarterly newsletter (email). This is impersonal yet keeps the students in touch. If they stop coming, it reminds them that you are still there teaching and they are still welcome.
Personally, I would not contact your ex-students as I would consider their decision to stop coming none of my business. It was their choice not to come or communicate. I also would not think that I had done something wrong as long as many other students keep coming back. I would just let it go and deal with the students who are coming. Although some students keep coming for years, generally, students come and students go and it is about them and their lives and usually not about you, the teacher.
Yoga students are only your students during your class. If they don't come, they are not your students. As soon as the class ends, they are no longer your students. You only have responsibility for your students during your class. Once class ends, your authority and responsibility also ends. |
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| It's a very interesting post. I'll try to respond to all the elements though no one has ever accused me of being tactful.
Tidy up the intentions. Otherwise any contact will be murky. At this point, from what you write, it seems there are a multitude of things swirling around for you. And while that is not inherently "bad" it is also not very clear. That lack of clarity will ooze its way into whatever communication you choose.
If you are intending to contact this or any student as a result of a deep concern for their well being, that seems appropriate as it is part of the care we, as yoga teachers, should have for our students, ourselves, and our planet.
However if your concern is rooted in feedback (of the classes or your teaching et al) then perhaps having feedback cards in the teaching space so students can provide feedback without reservation might be a good idea. In this way it is "elective" and there's less chance for murky energy behind the action.
If the husband was crossing some relational line, and there are many of those lines at different points for different people in different situations, then I cannot see how an additional contact would be serving either the student(s) or the teacher.
Their behavior may be "odd" but I don't believe it mandates a reaction, especially from those living in a yogic context. Since there is no information it is not appropriate for us to surmise the why's and wherefores of their absence.
Self-assessing our teaching is imperative though it does not sit idly by until someone fails to show up for class. No need for an additional contact with the students to assess what we are doing. If there's something amiss in the teaching you'll find it. If there is not, then dwelling on this is merely another distraction away from the Self.
Edited by purnayoga 2007-11-20 1:28 PM
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| Wow; a lot of different opinions on this one. Thank you all for your input. I should clarify that outlining all the possible scenarios was more so you all had the big picture of the communication issue, and not because I'm wringing my hands over possible misunderstandings wiith the husband. I know that if that was indeed the cause, I did nothing wrong. I was professional yet not cold and standoffish.
And I answered the "goals" question thoroughly and respectfully, but if something in my views put them off, that's unfortunate but apparently necessary. I'm teaching yoga, not gymnastics, and as Gordon put in a prior post, you have to live with integrity about what you're teaching. Perhaps they just need fruit from a different tree -- if the wife is not comfortable with me, for whatever reason, then perhaps as a couple they do need a different teacher.
I've only been teaching a year, but I've become very aware that the average student is not very dedicated to practicing yoga. It's hard for me to understand how anyone would not be 100% in love with the practice, but I realize I'm not typical! I think they probably just fell prey to winter inertia and started thinking of other things to do on Wednesday evenings, prepaid or not.
Regardless, in the off-chance something truly is wrong and one of them is terminally ill or out of work or something, I do want to check in and let them know I'm thinking of them. I'll put it out there and then not worry about how it will be taken. I'll let you know what happens.
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| I compromised and sent out a Thanksgiving e-mail of sorts and put them on the list -- you know, class is canceled this week, here are the other classes available, hope you are all well, etc. This way I'm making contact, as someone said, but not putting them on a spot or necessitating a response. |
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| I think that's the most it makes sense to do. People have all sorts of reasons for not showing up for class, and those reasons are their business if they don't volunteer them.
I know there are classes I've gone to for awhile, then not gone for months simply because of schedule issues, then gone back to them. And if I don't go back to a class because I didn't like it or some other negative reason, probably I don't want someone asking me why and putting me on the spot. |
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| sounds good!
i have to send one out myself. so many holiday specials this year! |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
    
| Whenever I have this urge to find out what is happening with a student, I have to ask myself why THIS student and not others? I usually decide that if I am not going to call every student who misses a few weeks, I should probably not call this one student. As far as email goes, the group general mail out is probably fine, but a personal email is probably not a good idea in this case. |
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| This is a very interesting response. Thanks Sis Tourist. Why this particular student? Interesting and wonderful.
tourist - 2007-11-20 11:23 PM
Whenever I have this urge to find out what is happening with a student, I have to ask myself why THIS student and not others? I usually decide that if I am not going to call every student who misses a few weeks, I should probably not call this one student. As far as email goes, the group general mail out is probably fine, but a personal email is probably not a good idea in this case. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | I think you should just call them and ask. You have nothing to loose. I hate the "cat and mouse" game...it's enough to drive you insane. Curiosity killed the cat,  just kiddin'
It's really funny, if I'm a couple of weeks no-show to yoga class and then say I show up on the third week...my teacher always says to me..."you almost got a phone call". So far, I've only got one of 'those' phone calls in the several years I've been with this teacher. I think it's sweet and it's a nice feeling knowing my teacher is sincere and cares about my well being. |
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| tourist - 2007-11-20 11:23 PM
Whenever I have this urge to find out what is happening with a student, I have to ask myself why THIS student and not others? I usually decide that if I am not going to call every student who misses a few weeks, I should probably not call this one student. As far as email goes, the group general mail out is probably fine, but a personal email is probably not a good idea in this case.
I agree with this 100%. There is a point at which the concern has to be let go. Consider, too, that a lot of people approach yoga very vehemently in the beginning; it's an alluring practice in many ways, and some people may come on strong--many classes, great enthusiasm, apparent seriousness about permanence--in the beginning. But those who see yoga as a trend or fad or exercise regimen will probably lose some of this zeal eventually. Not saying that's what happened with your students, but it's possible. |
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| All interesting points -- Cyndi in particular mentioned something interesting, which is, she's been with her teacher for years and would expect a phone call if she missed a few weeks. Perhaps it's more about the length of the relationship and how much has gone into it. Someone who showed up for four years and then dropped off the map would be different than someone who rolled in in May and quit in September. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 5098
Location: Somewhere in the Mountains of Western NC | No, that's not what I said. I said I have been with this particular teacher for several years. I'm referring to the very beginning, because I would go to classes for several weeks in a row...then would vanish for several later due to travel, life, etc. There's all kinds of reasons why people do the things they do. If you really want an answer, why not be straight forward and ask...its so very simple.
As for expecting a phone call....No, I don't expect it, it just is what it is. If I didn't that would be okay too.
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| I think the way you ended up handling it was perfect. Now, if you don't hear from them, at least you know that you made contact, and that shows you care. That sounds like what is authentic for you.
For what it's worth, I would not call a student. When I think of a teacher calling me, I believe I would feel like it was invasive and that she or he was overstepping their bounds. And, what if I had quit coming b/c I didn't enjoy the class? Ouch-that really puts me on the spot. Then I'd probably have to lie, and everyone loses.
As a teacher, I don't allow myself to be attached to who attends and who doesn't. I show up, teach my level best to whomever is in the room, and that's it. Come if you want, don't if you don't want.  |
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| would you really have to lie?
i've been called by a teacher and i was honest with her. i told her that the class wasn't right for me which is the same as "i didn't like the class" but softer/gentler. In all honesty, the class was fine (a decent, basic yoga class), but i want to go to classes where i feel challenged and where the teacher isn't afraid of me.
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| zoebird - 2007-12-11 3:30 PM
and where the teacher isn't afraid of me.
Geez, do you frighten everybody?
Seriously, I've had very few teachers act like they were frightened of me, how do you do it? |
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| To follow up, after I sent out the Thanksgiving message, they did not reply. (He used to write me when they weren't going to show up, and explain why.) So, c'est la vie.
I've learned that what students do and what they say are very different things. How many people have said to you, "Oh, you teach yoga? I've ALWAYS wanted to try yoga! I'm going to try your class." And 99.9% of them never do. And generally, the ones who say, "I'll definitely see you next week" do not show up, and the ones I don't expect DO show up. So, like Kym said... show up, teach who's there, and leave it when you go out the door. Yeah, it sounds elementary, but I'm nearing the end of only my first year of teaching. There has been a lot I didn't expect.
I, too, have told a teacher I didn't care for her class, but more in a "this is a great class and you're a great teacher, but I need something different" sort of way, like Jenifer. And I wouldn't be offended if a student said that to me, either. My class is too physically intense for some who are just looking for some gentle stretching and meditation, and that's OK -- and often I can tell right off the bat who won't return.
I was more concerned in the first place that this was an issue with the husband, but in evaluating my actions, they were 100% up front and appropriate. Any issue there is his, not mine. So, I'll miss them, but, that's the way it goes.
Hey, I know what you mean about teachers being afraid of you. I've had other teachers tell me they're nervous if they have me in their classes, and I've felt a little nervous having other teachers attend mine, too. Students won't notice if you make mistakes, mispronounce, or whatever -- but another teacher probably will. |
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| yeah, that's the general thing, joyfulflow.
people round these parts know that i'm an experienced teacher and an accomplished yogini. so, when i'm in their class, they get nervous. i had one teacher literally shaking once, to the point where the other teacher had to 'start' the class for her and she took over!
for me, i'm not nervous even when it's a big name in the room (and sometimes, i don't even recognize them. LOL). i just do my thing. if i get it wrong, no worries. they'll correct me or they won't. if they do, we laugh. if they don't, then i have no knowledge of it. |
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| As a student I generally dont want a teacher contacting me especially if I dropped off the face of the earth. I may have a thousand things going on that I dont want to discuss and the last thing I need is to deal with my yoga teacher. If I am interested I will eventually make it to class. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 399
Location: Oregon | Joyful... you haven't heard from them yet. And you may never. But I think you did right. I've sort of been on the other side of your dilemma (not married!). By reaching out, but not too personally, seems like a tactful way to let them know you care, but not risking getting too familiar. Kudos to you. |
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Sticky issue w/ ex-students
