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Member
Posts: 25
| I have this dilemma. I know that Bikram Yoga greatly improves my fitness, but I can't get myself to go back into the hot room.
MY STORY: I started practicing as an alternative to running, because I had shin splints. I immediately jumped into the practice and practiced 3-5 times a week, worry-free, simply enjoying doing the postures and breathing. About 5 months into my practice I embarked on a 30-day challenge. I was so enthusiastic and totally committed myself. 30 days turned into 60 days into 90 days and on and on... I was hooked. I practiced everyday, often twice a day. I completely overhauled my diet. Somewhere around month 9, I noticed that my body had changed. I had much less body fat and much more lean muscle. I loved it. I loved my body, I loved the practice.
Then it was suggested to me to enter the Bikram yoga competition. I didn't think I would be ready in time but I forced myself to enter anyways. From that point on, I told myself I needed to work harder than I ever have before, longer, stronger. Pain is only weakness leaving the body. I devoted my entire life to the practice. All I could think about is how I could improve.
Somewhere along the line, without my even noticing, my attitude towards the practice had changed. It was all about me not being good enough. I practiced Advanced series, could get my arms parallel to the floor in Half Moon, could touch my forehead to my knee in Standing Head to Knee, could touch my forehead to my toes in Pashimottanasana. But I felt like my practice was terrible. I started to hate my practice. I thought that if I couldn't control my depth, at least I could control my health, so I became obsessive about eating healthily and my diet consisted of juice for breakfast, bananas for lunch, and boiled vegetables+rice for dinner, every single day. I was tired all the time, and didn't realize I was undereating. Still, I felt like I was incredibly fat (5'3, 104 pounds...) and just hated how I could never be good enough.
The breaking point was at the National Competition in February. The day before the competition, I burst in tears thinking that I was a failure because despite all my practice, I just wasn't "perfect." One day in late February I woke up and didn't see the point in going to yoga anymore. Why did I work my butt off in that hot room for two or three or four hours if I hated everything I did?
I quit. I stopped. I haven't practiced regularly in the past 4 months (15ish classes total in this time period). But the problem is, I sort of miss my old practice. I want to go back to approaching my practice without worry, enjoy myself for where I am, and be happy with myself. And I don't know how to. I can't get myself back in the room.
I thank you if you've taken the time to read my Bikram story. The thing is, I just don't know what to do. I would appreciate it, and thank you above and beyond if anyone has any advice, or suggestions, anything - it would all be really helpful. Thanks again. Namaste, L. |
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| L. you've identified the problem and rationally you realize that went to grave extremes. Why don't you try a normal yoga class--just to help move you forward and see that indeed there's nothing to fear. |
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| ok, i'm going on a limb.
i was reading an interesting yoga/ayurveda text yesterday and it said that certain body types shouldn't practice in heat or have heated practices (by that, i believe the author meant that one shouldn't do breath of fire, for example, to heat the body and have a 'hot' practice even if the room or outdoor temp is "cold."). i believe it was pitta types.
the tendency for this time is to tend toward perfectionism, obcession and compulsion, and so on. they get thinner and thinner, more and more anxious, and more and more 'self controling.' the heat, certain dietary restrictions, etc, only increase this capacity. . .and it doesn't help that our culture is out-of-balance in that direction anyway.
it's sort of the opposite of the kapha problem. when that's out of balance, you have lethargy, weight gain, a lot of comfort-food stuff, and so on. people with that body type tend to that direction when they choose a yoga style that isn't rigorous enough, so a hot vinyasa or bikram class can help balance out their lethargic type tendencies.
so, when bruce recommends another style of yoga, it's probably a great idea.
you might consider, for a start, svaroopa yoga or perhaps "yin" (without the heat) or anything labeled restorative or gentle. see if you can get the MIND to accept the practice, because the body will benefit no matter what, but it may take a bit for the mind to follow. |
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| There's more to yoga than asana practice. By all means try another style, and that may, or may not, help you. Your compulsions may have been specifically related to Bikram, and another style might be just the nudge you need. Or, perhaps, you could find yourself diving off this deep end in another style as weel. If I were you (and I do have some of the same tendencies), I would try to bring the yamas and niyamas to my practice. Think about things like being honest, caring, practicing contentment, non-hording, etc... (I also recommend reading Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates. He talks quite a bit about exactly this sort of situation.) |
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Veteran
Posts: 149
| as a recovered ( 5 years sober.... you NEVER really are 'cured' ) addict i hear you. I am not saying my story is yours just that I heard a lot of myself (old self) in yours. I would like to extend my hand and share w/ you if you are interested. PM me any time if you like. |
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Expert Yogi
Posts: 8442
  
| LIG - I am not surprised to hear that before Bikram you were a runner, and a runner who had an overuse injury. You show all the classic signs I have seen in runners and triathletes who are friends of ours - super competitive and super obsessive. Mr. Tourist started out running, ran until he injured himself and added swimming to his routine. Swam until he injured his shoulders and took up cycling. "Just for fitness" soon turned into "just a little local race" and evolved to Ironman....you see where this leads? He is now 55 and can't run at all and he misses it a lot.
I'm not saying that any of this is "bad" but it may not be the best thing for you in your life anymore. My suggestion is similar to what others have said. Go to a yoga class (maybe Bikram, maybe something else, maybe try every class you can find locally) but only ONCE a week. Practice at home if you like, but limit it to an hour once a day. Go for a walk ONCE a week and limit it to an hour. Call a friend and go out for lunch or dinner once a week. Have a burger, have french fries, have a super mocha, choco frappaccino with whipped cream or buy yourself a tub of Haagen Dasz. Play mini golf and don't keep score, walk dogs for the SPCA. Have a life and let yoga be a happy, healthy part of it.  |
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| ryan is also of this personality type. so is his father and sister. it's amazing to me, because my mind just does not work that way at all. LOL
but, it can and does get better. the underlying principle of ayurveda (the science of life) is to balance the driving principles or doshas in our life. balance. 
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Member
Posts: 25
| Thanks so much to everyone for replying! You guys offered so much good insight.
I'm not sure what my Ayurveda body type is, but what you described sounds pretty accurate of what I was like at the time - anxious, more and more self-controlling. I'll be going away for most of the summer with no Bikram studios around, so I'll probably take up a home practice. I'll try to shift my focus from attaining the "ideal" posture and concentrate more on my breath and where my body is at, in the moment.
Wow Tourist, the tendency that you described sounds so much like mine! Pushing yourself really hard in a sport, getting really good at it, getting injured, repeat with new sport... Though I hope to attain a less competitive approach in the future, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. And I like your advice. I wish I had realized that several months ago because for nearly the past year, without me directly noticing, yoga had started to... take over my life. I spent less time hanging out, movies, dancing, etc because they interfered with my practice; I rarely enjoyed a "treat" as I was afraid it didn't fit into my strict dietary restrictions for training. But now I know! I'll strive to achieve balance in my life more. And you are completely right - "Have a life and let yoga be a happy, healthy part of it."
Once again, thanks for everyone's time and advice so far! |
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| i had a really yummy root beer float yesterday.
hawk (my baby) got into the chocolate. |
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| lifeisgood - 2009-06-30 9:28 AM
Thanks so much to everyone for replying! You guys offered so much good insight.
I'm not sure what my Ayurveda body type is, but what you described sounds pretty accurate of what I was like at the time - anxious, more and more self-controlling. I'll be going away for most of the summer with no Bikram studios around, so I'll probably take up a home practice. I'll try to shift my focus from attaining the "ideal" posture and concentrate more on my breath and where my body is at, in the moment.
Wow Tourist, the tendency that you described sounds so much like mine! Pushing yourself really hard in a sport, getting really good at it, getting injured, repeat with new sport... Though I hope to attain a less competitive approach in the future, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. And I like your advice. I wish I had realized that several months ago because for nearly the past year, without me directly noticing, yoga had started to... take over my life. I spent less time hanging out, movies, dancing, etc because they interfered with my practice; I rarely enjoyed a "treat" as I was afraid it didn't fit into my strict dietary restrictions for training. But now I know! I'll strive to achieve balance in my life more. And you are completely right - "Have a life and let yoga be a happy, healthy part of it."
Once again, thanks for everyone's time and advice so far!
Good stuff. My approach has been to eat, drink, and be merry. It may take more time achieving physiological "balance", but that's fine with because I still see distinct and marked progress every day. |
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Can't get myself to go back...
