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I need guidance, I don't know what to do anymore
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2akurate
Posted 2011-01-11 12:53 PM (#126887)
Subject: I need guidance, I don't know what to do anymore


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Posts: 1

Hi

A few years ago I had an experience after taking magic mushrooms. I was constantly trying to analyze the world and through rational thinking find the ultimate truth and reality. I couldn't stop thinking and I whent deeper and deeper, I was looking at everything I thought was truth and then saw it from a diffrent perspective and suddenly it wasn't truth anymore and I kept going in circles and I slowly became insane. I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I thought: well youv done it, you are finally insane. I began to have pain in my belly and I puked on the floor. I cleaned it up and I whent to sit on my bed again I had opened the window in the meantime.

I suddenly had absolutly nothing in my mind it was empty, totally empty. The sun was comming inside and I was feeling bliss, god was everywhere it simply was, it was isness. Nothing was bad nothing was good everything was the way it should be. It was a universal evolution that is imminent and what I experienced was true nature. I feared nothing, I could have gone on the streets naked and I wouldn't have feared the judgments of others. It simply didn't matter what people thought or what I had ever thought before that because it was all self made illusion. I imagined that the person comming up with the word reborn must have had such an experience, for this was the only time I used that word when it was actually aplicable. We use so many words frivolously without actually knowing the true meaning. I could sit on that bed for eternity it was all just fine.

We make boundaries in our mind and alot of them without knowing it, for instance imagine 2 people in 2 cars one in a ferrari and one in a beat down old car, in that state I would simply see two people in two diffrent cars but in ego I would see a rich man and a pour man. We are imprisoned by our own perception of reality.

But I lost that experience, I didn't get to that point through knowledge, I didn't realize self because I still took god to be seperate from me, I didn't look at everything and saw myself. So eventually I lost that experience and came back to my old habits of thinking.

A year later or so I came across enlightenment a concept which was mythical to me, I never knew what it actually was but when I read about it knew that this was ultimate truth and that I would attain it. This was my experience but eternal and untoucheble, for how can truth be touched, only illusion defends itself truth simply is and one can delude himself of the falshood of it.

Anyway a few years passed now and I have tried every technique out there and every tradition.

But I cannot seem to get rid of this ego even though it does not exist. I meditate and I can go on for a few months in a state of relative joy and hope and I can crash down into pure suffering in a split second and everytime it happens it is as if I have reached nothing although I know that everytime that crash reminds me that I cannot get to enlightenment through technique but only through surrender.

It's a vicious cycle I can't do anything but not doing anything I am afraid that I am loosing time when I could be meditating.

I have had a glimpse once but it wasn't strong. I was meditating and I looked at the sun while I was saying 'who am I' and then it hit just when I wasn't paying attention that everything the whole room was me but it didn't wash away ego at all, it was sort of a mater of fact thing. My ego stayed in control so it didn't have an impact. I am thus afraid that I might never get to enlightenment. I don't want to exhaust myself anymore to the point of insanity to experience that state I know it can be done in a calm way but I keep failing.

I think I need a personal teacher so if someone firmly established in the self can talk to me please do, I will keep searching for the rest of my life so it's not that im giving up, I just need an authority to guide me it would make it easier for me.
In the country where I live I'm not going to find a teacher, so I hope the internet can provide one.

If anyone here can give me some advice please do but seriously It's so hard.

Adyashanti said once that many people realize the self but then come back to ego because the knowledge of the self doesn't explain itself and people don't trust it. I'm afraid that if I get to that point I will do exactly the same and even though every failure is a step to succes Its very demanding. I still have a long life infront of me and I want to spend it in complete balance and love.

I can still remember that experience and I can still say things as: "it simply is, look at it" I don't see it anymore. I can say:"Simply be and let be" but although it is understood it isn't experienced. I can look back at that experience and exactly see what it was but I don't see it in reality and I don't experience it. All because of that stupid ego which frustratingly enough doesn't even exist.

peace my friends, god help me

Edited by 2akurate 2011-01-11 12:58 PM
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