Safe at Home for the Holidays

I'll never forget the first time I "used NVC" (Nonviolent Communication) with my father. After 40 years, I was sure that he would never stop criticizing me and giving me advice.  All my adult life I felt miserable during the holidays, when I was particularly worried about this dynamic coming up. It was driving me crazy.

I had been studying NVC for a little over a year when I found myself face-to-face with my father. I was sharing my immediate plans with him and out it came. "Thom, you really have to get your act together. All the best plans and ideas don't matter if you don't get them on paper."

How I got through that moment was NOTHING like the last forty years. I'd like to share it with you in "slow motion," hoping it may contribute to you.
 

Step 1) Stop and slow down!  As they say, if you keep doing what you' re doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. The moment my father started in, I remembered to slow down and choose to act -- and not REact. In these moments, it helps to remember that there are probably three things happening. First, I have an unmet need. Second, I have a judgment. Three, I'm about to get into another fight with my father if I don't do something different this time.

My challenge was to focus on the "unmet need" part, and not the "judgment" part.  This can be a challenge for me, since throughout my life I've been taught NOT to do this. As might be true for you, too, I'd been taught to blame someone else for my unmet needs, and focus my attention on blaming them rather than focusing on my own needs. In my NVC studies, I had been working on catching these moments and slowing down so I could focus on my needs and others' needs, NOT the blame.

To reinforce this new habit, I had given myself some "keys" to look for that would remind me I was going down the same path again. I noticed a tightening in my chest and the thought, "He shouldn't be saying that, he's wrong."  That was my cue. Tight chest, and the "should/shouldn't" word.

Step 2) Give Yourself Empathy! "What do I really feel and need in this moment?"  My next step was to focus on my feelings and needs. I was feeling afraid, but also hopeful. I needed to be seen, needed to have more ease, and I'm sure I would have liked some more connection and safety. So I made a choice. I went for connection instead of arguing.

Step 3) Listen Empathically to the Other Person!  I then put on my "empathy ears," ears that hear only feelings and needs. This was the moment of truth. I repeated Marshall's Rosenberg's words in my head. "All acts are an attempt to meet needs." But what need, I wondered, could possibly be met in my father by giving me a "hard time?" That was it!  Suddenly all those workshop hours were about to pay off. My empathy ears had survived the "attack," and somehow I could ask myself, "what needs could possibly be met by talking to me this way?"  Focusing on my father's feelings and needs changed the moment right there. Right before my eyes, my father transformed from a "critical, didactic, know-it-all," to a man who loved his son and wanted to help him succeed.  I spoke...

"So Dad, it really sounds like you want me to do well out there and want to contribute by sharing your experience with me."  He looked confused for a moment, took a breath, and tipped his head to one side. In a tone that seemed a combination of relief and delight, he said, "Yeah, I do."

I'll never forget that moment. I could have defended myself, tried to convince him that I did have my act together. But all that didn't matter. What really mattered was that my Dad just wanted to support me, and show he cared about me. I was able to just listen, and for the first time in a long long time, we weren't fighting.

If the dynamic I used to have with my father sounds at all familiar to you, I invite you to join me in practicing the NVC (Nonviolent Communication).  Perhaps I can help you find your own NVC keys that will can make a difference in your life.

I heartily invite you to consider a holiday workshop or individual session with me. If you want to practice your empathic listening skills on your own, you can go online to theexercise.org .  For more information about Nonviolent Communication or The New York Council for Nonviolent Communication, Inc., please visit us at nycnvc.org.  I can be contacted by email at thom@nycnvc.org.

I thank you for reading this article. I am honored to have the opportunity to share with you one of the many ways NVC has impacted my life, and I am hopeful that you might in some way benefit from my story. 

Many thanks to author Thom Bond. He brings 20 years of  training experience and 15 years of human development experience to the New York community.  He is described as concise, enthusiastic, sincere and optimistic, applying transformational and spiritual sensibilities to real-life situations.  His passion and knowledge of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) combine to create a practical, understandable and entertaining approach for learning and integrating NVC.

He has delivered hundreds of workshops and trainings throughout the country and has been a guest on radio and television here in New York.  Thom has an active private practice as a personal and corporate consultant, providing mediation, facilitation and coaching services as well as communication program design and delivery.  He works with individuals, couples, families, businesses, schools and other local organizations such as religious institutions, social service providers, non-profits, police and court affiliates.

He is the Founder and Executive Director of  The New York Council for NVC and a member of the Communications Coordination Committee for the United Nations.

To contact Thom please call 646 201 9226 or email him at thom@nycnvc.org . See his website at http://www.nycnvc.org .

We encourage you to learn more about the work and methods of NVC founder Marshall Rosenburg from the
audio program Speaking Peace (look to the right of this page). We find NVC to be personally transformative
and relevant to yoga practitioners.